TheBarrCode. Thinking out loud since 2011.

Rhinestones. Gypsy bling.

Sun, 24 Feb 2013 22:33:43 -0330

Rhinestones. Gypsy bling.

I'v been to dark places.

Thu, 07 Feb 2013 09:00:42 -0330

I have been to dark places. I have seen the darkest places known to man. I’m not the only one whose been there. Many have gone in, not all have come out and unfortunately some will never be heard from again. It’s a place of many levels, so many corridors and infinite possibilities for the physical world has no bearing there. Anything is possible. There are no limits. But many people have survived, in fact most do. I myself am one of those people. But there is no forgetting what you have seen. You are forever changed and your world will never look the same as it did before. I have been to the darkest places of the human mind.

The things you are capable of will surprise you and the things you believe you are capable of will haunt you. There is no voice of reason down there, no filters nor are there police. Everything is possible and the possibilities are horrifying. From the guilty pleasures to the perverted fetishes and beyond, it’s all there. In search of your limits you WILL take it too far and you WILL leave yourself, burned, but the dark places have no walls and this place will drag you to the bottom of the barrel where the most vile thoughts and feelings live along with so many souls that have failed to return. Unaware of the dark places tendency to be a liar you believe everything you find there and you quickly learn to hate yourself, simply for being able to fabricate ideas. This is the places where nightmares and reality collide. The only place deeper then this is Hell though they feel exactly the same.

Like a soldier returning from war the feeling of relief is unfathomable as you climb back into the light. On your way back up you have grabbed a few of the pieces of yourself that you had lost along the way but there just wasn’t time to save them all. So it’s time to relearn life. find new pieces to complete your puzzle and although you you will always have the scars you become more then you ever were before. A more complete version of yourself then before you went exploring in all the wrong places.

I look back on my journey through the dark place and I remember the pain. The things I saw. The things I lost. But I am grateful to have gone. I always told myself that I wanted to see it all before I died and had I never gone I am not sure I would really be able to say I experience all that life is and the light of day is so much sweeter when you feel like your seeing it for the first time.

Dear Tyler,

Sun, 27 Jan 2013 17:47:00 -0330

I just found a letter tucked into a wallet I had used last summer. The letter is from me to myself. July was only 6 months ago though oddly enough I don’t remember writing this letter. I didn’t remember it’s contents or when or why I had written it till I started to read. As I read through the 3 pages I had unknowingly scripted for myself I saw many versions of myself. The man I was, the man that survived and the man I am now. Thought in my handwriting, the letter sounds like a completely different person. It was written by an inner me. A me that usually stays silent. A me I only ever see when I am in conflict with myself and tend to forget when I am not. And it was nice to hear from him even though I am not in need right now.

At some point I will probably post the letter here. But for now I am going to just sit on its words and let it guide me along the next few months. Its a great insight to me even though I wrote it. It helps me see what I don’t always remember about myself and my world.

Intangible Things

Wed, 09 Jan 2013 09:34:39 -0330

I find science depressing. It aims to leave no room for the unexplainable. It has no room for love. No place for fun and no openings for Santa Clause. And our earthy science rejects the idea of anything bigger then use simply because ..we cannot see it. Science has even tried to dumb love down to nothing more then chemical reactions in the space between our ears. Many years ago people believed in magic. and those beliefs made life worth living. The mystery, the fun, the intense impulse to explore the unknown. LOVE. We waited for things because people were having fun imagining what it could all mean and what the future could bring. Instead of plans we had dreams… Hope… Faith. Everyday was an adventure. But now life is nothing more then a calculated event. Society picks your course. The dollar compels you and love is pushed to the side for other endeavours.

Why do we fight so hard to know all there is to know about everything? do you not remember being a child? We knew so little and our world AMAZED us! Each color was an EVENT and each emotion was something new to be explored. We were innocent and FUCK we were happy! Our days were made when we were allowed a piece of chocolate! but now we feel as though we are entitled to that candy. It’s not an experience… just part our greasy north american diet. Remember believing in Santa Clause? We didn’t care that we had never seen him.. we were so damn obliged to believe in him because the IDEA of him was such a great thing. The magic of our world drove us each day. But then science explained to us that magic can’t exist… love is not real and after all your earthly effort you will be met with… nothing. Our innocents gone we were left with a world that looked to be about 50 shades of dismal.

I’m not rejecting science. I like science. It keeps us healthy and makes life easier for so many people in so many ways. I just don’t feel that everything NEEDS an explanation. I am happy in my world of innocents. Dreaming and imagining the possibilites. I refuse to let science define love or magic to me. To let science tell you that something cannot exist is a far worse crime than letting someone dream that it can. To believe that only what we can explain is real is far more foolish than to accept the idea of something we cannot. The greatest things in life are unexplainable, intangible things.

If your life doesn’t feel like this… your doing it...

Wed, 09 Jan 2013 00:08:22 -0330

If your life doesn’t feel like this… your doing it wrong !

ambiendew: Toaster wins this round…

Tue, 08 Jan 2013 23:58:25 -0330

ambiendew:

Toaster wins this round…

A light hearted and funny video, made me laugh! Hope it makes...

Sat, 19 May 2012 19:55:50 -0230

A light hearted and funny video, made me laugh! Hope it makes you smile! :)

So I decided to write...

Sun, 29 Apr 2012 22:15:08 -0230

I have no idea where I am… Ok well I know where I am physically, I’m in Newfoundland, but I don’t know why. And I don’t know where I am in my life. I have found myself in a place unfamiliar to me. A place where everything is nothing and nothing is everything. I am a blank slate and I don’t know what to do with myself. So I decided to write…

School is over for the summer and I don’t know what my educational career looks like in the next few years. I’v looked for a job but have failed in my mission. I came to Newfoundland with a plan and a purpose but that quickly fell apart and my plans dissolved and my reasons went their own way. This year has been full of stress, anxiety and a fight against depression that felt like a losing battle, but I can finally say I have won. But these things have tore down all the plans I had and left me a new way of looking at my world. Everything has changed and my new world doesn’t have a structure yet… It’s waiting to be created; Waiting for my next move.

But I don’t know what it is… I have no logical next step. “The world is my oyster”. I can do, go, see, experience and create as I please. I just need a starting point. A first step to the rest of everything. But I don’t have that. Not today.

I’m writing this post without purpose but I feel as though I need to leave you with something. So how about this?:

Life doesn’t always give you a reset, a blank slate or an opportunity to start over. It’s a rarity and it doesn’t always give you a warning that it’s coming, If often shows up unannounced. But sometimes the things that come unannounced can be the greatest opportunities of life. It can be scary… not knowing what happens next, but don’t let it slip through your fingers. When you find yourself where I have found myself now take that moment to think about what you really want, what will make you happy and what you’ve been missing and only when you have all of your thoughts collected should you proceed. Make something great out of it. Create for yourself what you have always wanted to create.

I’m not sure why I wrote this post I just didn’t know what else to do, so I decided to write…

"There are no mistakes, no coincidences. All events are blessings given to us to learn from."

Mon, 02 Apr 2012 14:43:11 -0230

“There are no mistakes, no coincidences. All events are blessings given to us to learn from.”

- Elisabeth Kubler Ross

You've Changed.

Sun, 01 Apr 2012 19:43:17 -0230

“You’ve Changed…”

We’ve all heard it, from a former friend, an ex, maybe a family member; usually a person we no longer hold as close to us as we used to. Recently I heard this cliche thrown at a friend of mine and right away it got me to thinking. What is a person really saying or trying to convey to you when they make this remark?

For the sake of argument let’s generalize this (I love me a good generalization). It’s meant as an insult. It’s coming from place of damage in the heart of someone who feels disconnected form you. But it’s not an insult at all. Its a part of life and in all actuality a good thing.

Each and everyday … we experience. and with experience comes growth. Some call it a “change” but thats their beef. We grow because we have to. We need to learn in order to survive. If we have left a person behind, it’s probably because we are better or happier without them. It sucks for the person left, but it’s just the way it is. That person wasn’t as happy as he or she could be and thats not necessarily your fault. But moving on and letting go is a part of life.

What if we never changed? We would all still be the perverted, drunk, dangerous kids we once were. We would all make the same mistakes over and over and fail to achieve anything mature.

Yes, We change, Every second of everyday… we change. And it’s not a bad thing. It’s how we evolve. How society evolves. It’s part of life and if you can’t handle someone around you changing… that’s sad. Cause it’s gonna happen with or without your oh holy consent.

"A life spent making mistakes is not only more honorable, but more useful than a life spent doing..."

Fri, 16 Mar 2012 17:02:06 -0230

“A life spent making mistakes is not only more honorable, but more useful than a life spent doing nothing. - George Bernard Shaw”

Learning to live in the world.

Thu, 08 Mar 2012 13:00:05 -0330

DYK, that our vocabulary and speech help to dictate the way our minds work and what we think. Therefore if we did not have words for for the past and things that have already happened we would not be easily or readily able to think about our past. It may sound complicated or unfathomable but it’s true.

This of course got me thinking. What would it be like if none of us had words for the past and none of us could easily or redly think about our pasts. How different of a world would that be. Well, in a way it would cause us to live the way we were meant too, for the here and the now. No dwelling on our past, no holding grudges or judgements about others or ourselves. We would no longer posses ‘reason’ to hate. we would have no reason to feel shitty about ourselves. We would just spend all of our time being here now; moving forward and letting go. Maybe depression as we know it would cease to exist. We wouldn’t remember the injustices we faced as a children or the influences of our yesteryears and maybe we wouldn’t be so susceptible to indulging in crime or deviance.

Is this one of the problems with the world today? is this causing the hate? Is it causing a mass surge of depression and anxiety. Maybe this is why mindfulness, the practice of being here now, seems to be such winner in depression treatment. Do we today spend too much time living in our heads and not enough time living in the world? Too much time living in the past. Are you actually planning your future… or do you just worry about it?

I know that your thinking. “But some memories are good and we need to remember them and our mistakes to survive!” Maybe thats true… maybe not, but in no way is that what this article is about. This article is just supposed to get you thinking about how the way we think, as a person and as a society, and how it affects us. Maybe we should forget some of the words we know and learn to live in the world.

Six Feet Under S4E12 “Untitled”

Nathaniel Fisher: You hang on to your pain like it means something. Like it’s worth something. Well, let me tell you - it’s not worth shit. Let it go! Infinite possibilities, and all he can do is whine.

David Fisher: Well, what am I supposed to do?

Nathaniel Fisher: What do you think? You can do *anything*, you lucky bastard - you’re alive! What’s a little pain compared to that?

David Fisher: It can’t be that simple.

Nathaniel Fisher: What if it is?

If Life Isn't Funny.... It's Tragic.

Wed, 04 Jan 2012 12:50:53 -0330

A few months ago I fell upon some hard times emotionally. I took a direct blow from the world and if I am being honest I would have to admit that I am still on my last leg of recovery. Although when it all first started it was impossible to see, I can now look back on it all and say “Ya, this has made me stronger, I have learned and grown from this situation”.

During this rough time I developed a new motto to live by. A concept that I have lived by for years but just started vocalizing recently. “If life isn’t funny, it’s tragic”. Sometimes laughing at life, laughing at situations or laughing at yourself is the best way to dig through a rough day. I try to laugh as often as I can (Although it can seem impossible at times) because it really is the best medicine. It can really boost your spirits!

You may say, “But Tyler, some things are just not funny situations,” and I would say “Why?” Yes I know, life does have some tragedies but not near as many of the society of 2012 likes to think. Your botched dye job… thats actually hilarious! The fact that a bottle of ketchup just exploded in your face… Hilarious! The fact you puked on that guy/girl you like … Really, Really Hilarious!

I have learned that Health is everything, and that VERY much so includes Mental Health. If you have food and heat, a bed to sleep, a roof to live under and most importantly, you are loved, then you have it all. You need nothing more. After that “The rest is just details” (Another motto I live by). Those kool cars, fun gadgets, those friends you lost, those mistakes you made, those conformities you did or did not conform too, the guilt you harbour or the perfect body you never achieved… that’s all just details that in the end won’t matter. Once you go the details die as if they had never happened at all. Only the love will remain. Love that hopefully you felt and passed on to others.

So next time you feel like “This is a big deal!” or “I can’t believe this is happening to me!” ask yourself “Is this a tragidy… or is it actually Hilarious?”

Twenty Eleven.

Sat, 31 Dec 2011 20:13:14 -0330

2011.

December 31st is that day of the year that we make resolutions, reflect on the year that has passed and dream of the year to come. But when December 31st rolls around and we think about the past year, how did our year shape up compared to what we had wanted 365 days ago?
My 2011 didn’t match my plans at all! But I can honestly say it was better. I found so many things I didn’t even know I was looking for. Like love and new homes. I took a trip in February to a forgien place called “Newfoundland”. I met someone there. In April I took off to New Brunswick for a job, and to be closer to the person I had met. While there I was accepted to the university I had visited in February and decided to go for it. In the summer I fell in love with the person I had met. Became closer to them than I had ever been with anyone before. I became comfortable with myself. I became more human than I had ever been. In September it was off to university with my love. And now its nye. I regret to say that my love and I have since split. But the new life that I was given remains. And I am stronger going into 2012 than I have ever been.
Here’s to new beginnings. Here’s to letting 2011 remain either a great memory or a fantastic lesson. Here’s to getting exactly what we want out of 2012. Here’s to the people we have met and the accomplishments we’ve made. Here’s to love found and to love lost. Here’s to us! Happy new years everyone !!! Let’s make 2012 count !!

Defined as: Everything Else.

Sun, 11 Dec 2011 19:50:14 -0330

Should I tackle answering a question that has no real answer. Should I try to use words to form an understanding of the non-understandable. Should I splatter my views on love on a webpage though I know tomorrow my views may be completely changed by another experience. Sure I should. It’s my blog.

If I had to define love I think my best go would be sound something like this:

Love; Everything else.

But it has no definition. It exists outside if time. It exist within nothing else and nothing else exists in it. Its un-expainable, Scientist will try to give it some hormonal/biological backing but they will ALWAYS fall short of understanding this amazing thing. It really makes NO sense, but we are ok with that. It comes, and sadly often times it goes. You can’t ask questions about it because there are no answers. You might try to ask where to find it, how to make it last, or why you would want it. All these things have no answers! It’s the greatest thing in the world! … But it can be extremely painful. When being searched for you’ll never find it. If you over think it you will lose it. It has no age restraint and no boundaries. it is blind, def, and mute. It is a personal bond, that should be shared with the world. It can make people do crazy, non-rational, stupid things, Because it is the opposite of rational. It’s simple. It cannot be controlled, It will do as it pleases. It what makes us human.

I could ramble for years, because there is no limit. But I assume I have your attention for only so long, so i will end with that for today. Have the incoherent, badly written, words of this kid helped to bring anyone to a closer understand of love? No. Noting ever will.

But that’s just my world and how I perceive it.

Am I Drug Dealer Chic?

Wed, 23 Nov 2011 23:17:00 -0330

Today I get cut off in a parking lot and asked if I have a smoke, I say nah, sorry. And walk away thinking “Do I give off a smoker vibe?” Then I proceed with my day.

Tonight I am out for a walk to the local gas station (Dr. Pepper craving) and get cut off again in the parking lot by a different man.

“Do you have smoke?” He was a older man of some none canadian ethnicity so his english was a bit off.

“No I don’t, sorry”

“You don’t have smoke you can sell me?”

“Ah no, sorry”

“Where can I get smoke?”

“Uh I donno, Im not from around here, I have no clue”

“Oh, can you sell me anything other to smoke?”

“…say what?…”

“Anything else I can smoke, ya know… like the weed?”

“…no”

“Where can I find some to smoke?”

“I really wouldn’t know”

“Where should I ask?”

“I really have no clue”

“Should I ask a cab driver?”

“… Ya, definitely!, Look there’s a cab pulling in now, he’ll know”

And I walk away.

Thinking when did I develop the “Why yes, I do bootleg cigarettes and know where all the best dealers in st. johns are” look?