TheBarrCode. Thinking out loud since 2011.

Rhinestones. Gypsy bling.

I have been to dark places. I have seen the darkest places known to man. I’m not the only one whose been there. Many have gone in, not all have come out and unfortunately some will never be heard from again. It’s a place of many levels, so many corridors and infinite possibilities for the physical world has no bearing there. Anything is possible. There are no limits. But many people have survived, in fact most do. I myself am one of those people. But there is no forgetting what you have seen. You are forever changed and your world will never look the same as it did before. I have been to the darkest places of the human mind. 

The things you are capable of will surprise you and the things you believe you are capable of will haunt you. There is no voice of reason down there, no filters nor are there police. Everything is possible and the possibilities are horrifying. From the guilty pleasures to the perverted fetishes and beyond, it’s all there. In search of your limits you WILL take it too far and you WILL leave yourself, burned, but the dark places have no walls and this place will drag you to the bottom of the barrel where the most vile thoughts and feelings live along with so many souls that have failed to return. Unaware of the dark places tendency to be a liar you believe everything you find there and you quickly learn to hate yourself, simply for being able to fabricate ideas. This is the places where nightmares and reality collide. The only place deeper then this is Hell though they feel exactly the same. 

Like a soldier returning from war the feeling of relief is unfathomable as you climb back into the light. On your way back up you have grabbed a few of the pieces of yourself that you had lost along the way but there just wasn’t time to save them all. So it’s time to relearn life. find new pieces to complete your puzzle and although you you will always have the scars you become more then you ever were before. A more complete version of yourself then before you went exploring in all the wrong places.

I look back on my journey through the dark place and I remember the pain. The things I saw. The things I lost. But I am grateful to have gone. I always told myself that I wanted to see it all before I died and had I never gone I am not sure I would really be able to say I experience all that life is and the light of day is so much sweeter when you feel like your seeing it for the first time.

I just found a letter tucked into a wallet I had used last summer. The letter is from me to myself. July was only 6 months ago though oddly enough I don’t remember writing this letter. I didn’t remember it’s contents or when or why I had written it till I started to read. As I read through the 3 pages I had unknowingly scripted for myself I saw many versions of myself. The man I was, the man that survived and the man I am now. Thought in my handwriting, the letter sounds like a completely different person. It was written by an inner me. A me that usually stays silent. A me I only ever see when I am in conflict with myself and tend to forget when I am not. And it was nice to hear from him even though I am not in need right now. 

At some point I will probably post the letter here. But for now I am going to just sit on its words and let it guide me along the next few months. Its a great insight to me even though I wrote it. It helps me see what I don’t always remember about myself and my world.

I find science depressing. It aims to leave no room for the unexplainable. It has no room for love. No place for fun and no openings for Santa Clause. And our earthy science rejects the idea of anything bigger then use simply because ..we cannot see it. Science has even tried to dumb love down to nothing more then chemical reactions in the space between our ears. Many years ago people believed in magic. and those beliefs made life worth living. The mystery, the fun, the intense impulse to explore the unknown. LOVE. We waited for things because people were having fun imagining what it could all mean and what the future could bring. Instead of plans we had dreams… Hope… Faith. Everyday was an adventure. But now life is nothing more then a calculated event. Society picks your course. The dollar compels you and love is pushed to the side for other endeavours.  

Why do we fight so hard to know all there is to know about everything? do you not remember being a child? We knew so little and our world AMAZED us! Each color was an EVENT and each emotion was something new to be explored. We were innocent and FUCK we were happy! Our days were made when we were allowed a piece of chocolate! but now we feel as though we are entitled to that candy. It’s not an experience… just part our greasy north american diet. Remember believing in Santa Clause? We didn’t care that we had never seen him.. we were so damn obliged to believe in him because the IDEA of him was such a great thing. The magic of our world drove us each day. But then science explained to us that magic can’t exist… love is not real and after all your earthly effort you will be met with… nothing. Our innocents gone we were left with a world that looked to be about 50 shades of dismal. 

I’m not rejecting science. I like science. It keeps us healthy and makes life easier for so many people in so many ways. I just don’t feel that everything NEEDS an explanation. I am happy in my world of innocents. Dreaming and imagining the possibilites. I refuse to let science define love or magic to me. To let science tell you that something cannot exist is a far worse crime than letting someone dream that it can. To believe that only what we can explain is real is far more foolish than to accept the idea of something we cannot. The greatest things in life are unexplainable, intangible things.

If your life doesn’t feel like this… your doing it wrong ! 

ambiendew:

Toaster wins this round…

A light hearted and funny video, made me laugh! Hope it makes you smile! :)

I have no idea where I am… Ok well I know where I am physically, I’m in Newfoundland, but I don’t know why. And I don’t know where I am in my life. I have found myself in a place unfamiliar to me. A place where everything is nothing and nothing is everything. I am a blank slate and I don’t know what to do with myself. So I decided to write…

School is over for the summer and I don’t know what my educational career looks like in the next few years. I’v looked for a job but have failed in my mission. I came to Newfoundland with a plan and a purpose but that quickly fell apart and my plans dissolved and my reasons went their own way. This year has been full of stress, anxiety and a fight against depression that felt like a losing battle, but I can finally say I have won. But these things have tore down all the plans I had and left me a new way of looking at my world. Everything has changed and my new world doesn’t have a structure yet… It’s waiting to be created; Waiting for my next move. 

But I don’t know what it is… I have no logical next step. “The world is my oyster”. I can do, go, see, experience and create as I please. I just need a starting point. A first step to the rest of everything. But I don’t have that. Not today. 

I’m writing this post without purpose but I feel as though I need to leave you with something. So how about this?:

Life doesn’t always give you a reset, a blank slate or an opportunity to start over. It’s a rarity and it doesn’t always give you a warning that it’s coming, If often shows up unannounced. But sometimes the things that come unannounced can be the greatest opportunities of life. It can be scary… not knowing what happens next, but don’t let it slip through your fingers. When you find yourself where I have found myself now take that moment to think about what you really want, what will make you happy and what you’ve been missing and only when you have all of your thoughts collected should you proceed. Make something great out of it. Create for yourself what you have always wanted to create. 

I’m not sure why I wrote this post I just didn’t know what else to do, so I decided to write… 

“You’ve Changed…”

We’ve all heard it, from a former friend, an ex, maybe a family member; usually a person we no longer hold as close to us as we used to. Recently I heard this cliche thrown at a friend of mine and right away it got me to thinking. What is a person really saying or trying to convey to you when they make this remark? 

For the sake of argument let’s generalize this (I love me a good generalization). It’s meant as an insult. It’s coming from place of damage in the heart of someone who feels disconnected form you. But it’s not an insult at all. Its a part of life and in all actuality a good thing. 

Each and everyday … we experience. and with experience comes growth. Some call it a “change” but thats their beef. We grow because we have to. We need to learn in order to survive. If we have left a person behind, it’s probably because we are better or happier without them. It sucks for the person left, but it’s just the way it is. That person wasn’t as happy as he or she could be and thats not necessarily your fault. But moving on and letting go is a part of life. 

What if we never changed? We would all still be the perverted, drunk, dangerous kids we once were. We would all make the same mistakes over and over and fail to achieve anything mature. 

Yes, We change, Every second of everyday… we change. And it’s not a bad thing. It’s how we evolve. How society evolves. It’s part of life and if you can’t handle someone around you changing… that’s sad. Cause it’s gonna happen with or without your oh holy consent.